"No." It's a word I've said fifty-seven gazillion time since becoming a parent. And it doesn't get easier.
I can handle the "you can't run on the road because you'll die" type of "no". Those "nos" just roll off my tongue. But when it comes to saying "no" to "Can I mix a magical fairy potion of glitter, glue and tomato sauce on my bed?" or "Can I have the complete set of Shopkins like the other girls at school?" I haven't got better at it with practice. Those "nos" are almost always followed by a brutal stab of self-doubt. Am I crushing my child's spirit? Will she resent me when she's older? Am I just being selfish/lazy/inattentive/insert mother guilt adjective here? But according to director of Wellbeing for Kids, Georgina Manning, I can spare myself the mother guilt. "If you hear yourself saying 'no' a lot then you can remind yourself that you're doing a great job," says Manning who is a registered counsellor and psychotherapist. According to Manning, the self-esteem movement has hijacked our maternal instincts and our desire to be the best mothers possible. With the very best intentions mothers, and increasingly fathers, mistakenly feel that indulging their child's every whim is a measure of their love for them. "The pendulum has swung too far and we've gone from not being emotionally attuned with our children to thinking that protecting them from any discomfort or things that they don't want to do is a way of showing love," says Manning. Rather than feeling bad about saying "no" to our kids, here's five reasons why we should feel good about it: 1. Kids need to feel discomfort Yes, it can be gut-wrenching to watch your kids struggle, and the temptation to minimise or remove their discomfort can be great. But this can set them up for failure later on because life is, at times, uncomfortable. And when they're older, no one is going to create a false reality where discomfort doesn't exist for them. "A trend that I'm seeing is that parents are keeping their kids home from school when they've had a little upset the day before or if their child has a bit of anxiety about swimming, camp, speaking on assembly, or something else they don't want to do," Manning says. "But if parents protect their child from uncomfortable emotions, when they're older they won't know how to cope with those feelings. Avoidance grows anxiety because it teaches them that the thing that they are anxious about is so bad that the person who is in charge of their life thinks they can't possibly manage it." 2. Kids need to learn to wait Learning to delay gratification can be a tough and tantrum-inducing lesson, but it is one of the most important factors for success in life. Manning says she sees parents who provide a constant stream of positive on-demand experiences instead of making children wait for treats, such as making them do their home responsibilities before they play or saving up for a toy or a holiday. "Life is full of waiting and life is hard," says Manning. "We have to work to get what we want, whether that's a thing or success; we can't just instantly get it and we need to teach our children that really important lesson." If we give our children exactly what they want when they want it, we also risk raising self-centred, entitled and, at the extreme, narcissistic children. 3. Boundaries make kids feel secure Too many choices and inconsistent responses and outcomes can cause anxiety in adults. The same applies to children, but one parenting trend is to negotiate with children on pretty much everything. Constant negotiation can make children feel insecure because they never know where they stand or what outcome they are going to get. This can induce anxiety and make kids lose trust in their parents. "Children always push for boundaries, they are pushing for those 'nos' and it's our job to give it to them," says Manning. "A 'no' might not be immediately what the child wants but overall it can be comforting for them because they know that there are limits and they feel cared for and safe." Saying "no" doesn't need to be a shouting match or followed with lengthy discussions or justifications, Manning says. "A positive way to say no is: 'In our house we….(only have half an hour of iPad a night). End of discussion. Walk out of the room.' It lasts a few seconds, not an hour." 4. Kids need to know their parents are in charge Any parent knows that being in charge and making the decisions all the time can be exhausting. It is too much for us to expect our children to take on that responsibility. "Hierarchy has really gone out of fashion in parenting. But psychologically, it's really important for kids to know that the person looking after them is in control," says Manning. "I see parents pleading with their child. 'Please do this' or 'Please don't hit that child'. This puts the child in charge." 5. Kids need parents to be parents and not friends I'm sure I'm not the only parent who has worried that my children won't love me, either now or when they grow up. Manning says that she sees parents tolerating disrespect from their children because they are worried about losing their kids' friendship. "One of the reasons parents don't say 'no' is that they see their role as a friend and friends don't say 'no'," Manning says. "If you see yourself as your child's friend rather than their parent, then it's very difficult to put those boundaries in place." But the good news is that there is no evidence to suggest that loving but firm parenting breaks the parent-child bond. In fact, in might just be the foundation for a healthier and more respectful relationship with your children when they reach adulthood. Kasey Edwards is a writer and best-selling author. www.kaseyedwards.com
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When it comes to the pursuit of extra-curricular activities, parental anxieties run deep.
It's not unusual for kids to do lessons such as ballet, martial arts, gymnastics, maths tutoring, football, tennis, piano, chess, drama or cricket, every afternoon after school. Some kids do multiple classes on the same day. "We all want to be the best parents we can, but we need to look at our definition of success," writes Kasey Edwards. I know kids who don't make it home before 7pm every night of the week. And then they're doing more classes or formal sport on the weekend. Despite research showing that homework for young kids does not deliver the imagined academic benefits, parents demand it from schools. And then some insist their kids do even more work by setting their own homework and taking them to private maths and English classes. Even pre-school children are being sent to private tutors. Extra-curricular activities have become an arms race. We fear that our children will miss out or be left behind. We don't want our kid to be the only child who can't do a cartwheel, shoot a ball into a hoop, play Bach's English and French Suites on the piano or do multiplication in Prep. And it's a con. Parents have been guilted into believing that more extra curricular activities equals better; that cramming as much knowledge, skills and experience into our children as early as possible is synonymous with good parenting. On the contrary, over-scheduling kids is a recipe for increasing childhood anxiety. Director of Wellbeing for Kids, Georgina Manning, says that she has seen a dramatic increase in anxiety and emotional distress in children in recent years. "Rushing children around and filling every spare moment of their lives with 'interesting' activities doesn't teach children how to manage stress. It just creates stressed out kids," says Manning, who is a registered counsellor and psychotherapist. "Kids need to learn how to manage their own time, manage being on their own, manage boredom, and build their own interests for the sheer enjoyment of them - not for an outcome or achievement." Still, it's not surprising that parents are rushing to sign their kids up to activities and classes. Even before we give birth, we are flooded with brochures displaying savvy marketing from companies cashing in on our parental anxieties. And it just doesn't let up. They pry open our wallets with talk of "brain development" and "self-esteem" and giving our kids a "head start." What parent wouldn't want all those things for their kids? My first daughter was booked into swimming lessons when she was six-months old. She hated it. I hated it. And all she learned was to scream whenever she saw water. But I persisted with it because I thought that's just what good parents did. Multinational tutoring giant Kumon boasts, "One father's love for his child led to supporting the dreams of children all over the world." Really? That may be their parents' dream but I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that most kids would prefer to be dreaming about fairies and super-powers and building cloud castles in the sky than prime numbers and long division. And Kumon doesn't come cheaply. As Kumon Australia tells prospective franchisees, expect to rake in tens of thousands each month. As a culture, we no longer value play for the sake of play. We don't have time for the wonder of childhood anymore. How's a cloud castle going to get little Johnny a job? Unless we can turn the construction of the cloud castle into a mathematical problem, we consider it a waste of time. If our children are allowed to play at all, then it needs to be structured, measured, expert-endorsed, adult-led, paid for learning dressed up as play. We've made the mistake of thinking that achievement and skill development will lead to wellbeing. And it is a mistake. For starters, where are all these thriving genius children as a result of all this skill development hot-housing? We need only look at the increase in anxiety, depression, self-harm and suicide in our children to know that we are getting things wrong. Big time. Manning says that if children are too busy to "play", then they don't get a chance to rest their brain and switch off the stress response. "Ideally, children should experience 'flow' most days. Flow is when they totally lose track of time and have full engagement in enjoyable activities that don't necessarily have an outcome or are achievement-based, such as winning a game." Examples of flow activities include: constructing Lego, drawing, creating or building something, playing with friends, imagination games, reading, sport that doesn't have a focus on winning, and crucially, activities instigated by the child, rather than adult-directed. And what if the child does excel at piano or the arts? Are achievement-oriented parents really going to be happy if their child pursues a career where the median income from musical work in Australia is between $7,000–$8,000? Or will they be happy for their child to pursue a winner-takes-all career in athletics where they peak in their 20s, after which it's downhill? Rejecting the parental pressure to focus on our children's achievement is difficult. We fear that not pushing our kids or maximising their experiences will somehow impair their university options, or their income as adults. We all want to be the best parents we can, but we need to look at our definition of success. Surely the best job a parent can do is to give their children a childhood that is calm and happy, where they are free to explore who they are, make mistakes, have fun, and learn how to be kind and well-rounded people. Kasey Edwards is a writer and best-selling author. “The year is going so quickly,” remarked my daughter. I couldn’t disagree with her, but still, I was shocked by the words coming out of her mouth. She’s ten for heaven’s sake!
Childhood is supposed to feel like it stretches on forever. The gap between the two Annual Chocolate Festivals (aka Easter and Christmas) used to feel interminable. Children are now lamenting the speed of time. But now my daughter tells me last Christmas feels like yesterday. Is her childhood being ruined? Lamenting the speed of time was only supposed to happen when you got old. It turns out, it’s not just my daughter who is concerned about the perception of time. According to educational and developmental psychologist Deborah Jepsen from Melbourne Child Psychology & School Psychology Services, even if you haven’t heard your child express it directly, they still could be feeling it. “Kids will express it by saying how quickly the term has gone, or say, ‘It’s already the end of term!’ ” Jepsen says. Scientists have advanced a number of reasons for the perception that life is speeding up. These include the slowing of our “internal clocks” like metabolism and heart rate as we age, which makes time seem to go faster, or a reduction in the amount of information our brains process in later years. These theories about ageing and the perception of time make me feel like I’m on the express route to a nursing home. I’m 43 and it feels like we should still be in April. But what does it say about our kids and the world we have created for them? We can’t blame this one on genes and biology. Georgina Manning, director of Wellbeing For Kids says that children are feeling as though their lives are very rushed, and rushing adds to the perception that time is speeding up. “Children are often being rushed from one thing to the next without any down time to just 'be' and slow down and live in the moment,” she says. “Rather than ‘being’, children are often in 'doing mode', moving from one task to the next, often on autopilot, creating a sense of urgency which can trigger children’s stress response. ' “Being hurried from one activity to the next each day, without this essential time for play must be exhausting and overstimulating with no time left to process the day, reflect and make sense of our day's experiences,” Manning says. In addition to over-scheduling our kids, Sophi Bruce from The School of Life blames the sense some children feel of time rushing by on overstimulating and overloading our kids with too much information from devices, and constant interruptions from online messages, adverts, banners, and likes. “As children’s brains are being stimulated at a quicker rate, their brain becomes used to being stimulated but can’t actually handle the level of information so it is in a greater cycle of trying to catch up,” Bruce says. Does it actually matter that our kids feel like time is flying by them? There's no doubt that a large part of my shock in hearing my daughter’s comments came from nostalgia for my own childhood and the “good old days”. As a parent you wonder do we really have to add our children’s perception of time to our long lists of things we have to worry about? According to Bruce, we would benefit from putting down our own generational lenses on time and letting go of comparing our childhoods to that of our children’s. But if the pace of life is having negative consequences on our children’s wellbeing then we shouldn’t ignore it. “It’s problematic if children display signs of stress or withdrawal due to feeling overwhelmed or have negative perceptions of themselves in terms of what they can’t achieve (a distorted sense of time gives us a distorted sense of success),” says Bruce. Psychologist Jepsen suggests parents dial back the scheduling and planning and try to spend a little more time enjoying the ‘now’. “If we focus too much on the next step, the next term, the next event we can create anxiety in our kids by overthinking,” she says. Bruce suggests parents think about the lessons they are teaching their children about time through their own behaviour and language. Constantly telling kids "there’s not enough time", "we’re late", and "we haven’t got all day" sends the message to our kids that life is moving too fast. One answer might be found in our own childhood: long stretches of boredom where our parents did not feel compelled to entertain us, improve us, or pay other adults to cram as much knowledge and skills into us as possible were common for many of us. “Boredom slows down time and opens up opportunity for creativity,” Bruce says. It seems counter intuitive in these times of uber-competitive education, status anxiety, and the frenzy of tutoring and extracurricular activities, but what our kids actually need from us is less, not more. Kasey Edwards is the author of the children's series The Chess Raven Chronicles under the pen name Violet Grace. Listen to children’s concerns and feelings It can be normal for children to feel anxious before going back to school for a new year. There are new faces, new teachers, new routines, new expectations and classroom environments. This appropriate anxiety response can be managed by helping children talk about what they are worried about. Try to name the emotion your child is feeling and help them to identify what it is they are worried about. Naming the emotion for your child helps them to ‘tame’ the emotion. Just by talking about how they are feeling and having an adult name the emotion for them, can be very helpful and soothing. We don’t need to jump into problem solving for our children, a more helpful strategy is to just listen and try to understand how your child is feeling and what they are worried about. Just talking about it and having their feelings and concerns validated, is often enough. If there is a problem to be solved, this can be tackled after your child has talked about how they are feeling and shared their worries. Get back into a routine Routines are vital for children as it helps give a sense of safety and predictability. Start getting up early again at least a week before school starts to help get their sleep back into a good routine. Turn off screens at least an hour before bed followed by a nightly routine such as doing a relaxing activity followed by a bath, reading or being read to and then sleep. There are so many children who go to school exhausted through lack of sleep or good quality sleep, often due to screens before bed, constant notifications and screen time through the night (yes even some 8 year old’s are getting up and checking devices) and also a lack of wind down time each day. A daily wind down activity is not only vital to relax and brain and body, but can be a great bonding time as well. Board games, jigsaw puzzles, Lego or colouring in are great examples of wind down nighttime activities that all members of the family can do together. Create visuals for routines If children become familiar with what needs to be done each day and getting things prepared, helps take out some of the daily stressors, particularly getting back to school. Kids love visuals to help them know what to do each day so have fun creating a list they can decorate and stick up in their rooms of all the things that need to be done each morning and night. Younger children respond well to pictures/drawings as well as words (older children can create their own written lists). There will be more success of children independently completing their daily tasks if they have ‘buy in’ from the beginning by helping to nut out what needs to be done so the day runs smoothly. Things on the list for night-time (depending on age) can be things like getting out school clothes ready for the next day, homework done, reader/homework in bag and brushing their teeth. In the morning examples can be things like getting dressed, brushing teeth and packing their school bag with lunch. Help your child refer to their checklist so they can start to manage their daily tasks independently instead of nagging and yelling to get things done. If they need reminding, guide them to look at their list and ask them what else needs to be done, rather than telling them what to do. Use a calendar to mark in important days such as sports days or excursions so they know what is coming up and can prepare for it. Allow time Allow enough time in the morning to get everything done. The more that can be done the night before will help to ease the stress in the mornings. Rushing can activate the stress response and is unnecessary if things are planned for in advance. Lunches made the night before with help from your child, eliminates this stress in the morning. Have school clothes and shoes out ready to just pop on instead of madly rushing around trying to find the right socks or clean uniform, which only creates nagging and stress. Having as much packed the night before is also helpful. Having this checked off the night before on their visual ‘to do’ list helps children to feel more in control of their day to day tasks. Having a relaxing breakfast, even if isn’t for too long, can be a great start to the day. Rushing while eating sets our children up for feeling stressed by the time they get to school. Practice, Practice For younger children it is helpful if they can practice packing their school bag, putting on their school jumper, taking the lid of the drink bottle and tying school laces. Yes, this can seem a bit unnecessary but there are lots of children who struggle to unpack their lunch and take on and off jumpers at school which causes unnecessary stress. If your child is transitioning to a new school, new campus or environment or is starting ride their bike, or catching public transport for the older children, then do a few practice runs beforehand. Go on the bus or train with them back and forth or ride the bike with them beforehand so they feel comfortable with their new routine. A few visits If your child is particularly anxious about going back to school, take some time to go past the school or if the school is open, spend time playing on the equipment. Having fun and relaxation around the school will help children to feel familiar again with their school and associate this with fun and positivity. Often children can build things up in their mind to be much worse than they really are, so visiting the school can help to ally these fears. Having a school friend that will be in their class over for a play before school starts can help to ease back into the new school year. Children can feel particularly anxious about who is going to be in their class, who they will be sitting next to you or playing with at lunchtime. Making an action plan of who is taking your child to school and letting your child know where you will be picking them up will ease some of the unknowns for very anxious children. They studied a group of 312 families and discovered that mums and dads who used more so-called challenging parent behaviour (CPB) had kids whose anxiety levels were significantly less than others.
Previous research has established links between how over-controlling, or helicopter-style, parenting can heighten anxiety in kids. The study by researchers from Sydney’s Macquarie University and University of Amsterdam, however, focused on parenting behaviour that may actually protect children from becoming anxious. One of the study’s co-authors, Rebecca Lazarus, says behaviours that can have a protective effective on kids include giving them a fright, teasing, rough-and- tumble play, as well as encouraging them to be assertive and take risks. “The idea behind CPB is it gives children exposure to safe risk, so things that might be a bit anxiety provoking but lets them know that it’s actually ok,” Ms Lazarus said. “It’s this repeated exposure to things that might feel unsafe that reduces their anxiety and they learn they can cope by themselves.”Ms Lazarus said many other studies had shown that mums and dads who use “cotton wool” style parenting and restrict their kids from doing things that are age- appropriate put their youngsters at risk of developing anxiety. “That gives children the message that the world is a scary place and I need protection from it,” she said. Seven per cent of Aussie kids aged between four and 17 are estimated to have anxiety issues. Ms Lazarus, a Phd candidate who worked at Macquarie’s Centre for Emotional Health when the study was conducted, said there are many simple everyday ways parents can display CPB to help their kids. “It could be things like encouraging the child if they are cautious about approaching something, so like a dog in a park. They might be frightened of dogs, but you can encourage them by showing them how you approach a dog and let it sniff your hand,” she said. “It also includes competitions like running races or playing games with kids. It’s all safe and gentle but it lets kids have that experience at losing and what that feels like.” While Ms Lazarus and her fellow researchers suggested in their study, that was published in the Journal of Clinical Child & Adolescent Psychology, more studies were needed into CPB as a possible treatment for anxiety in children. Without a doubt, this time of year is all about winning. Thanks to the last few weeks of finals fever, the media has been full of tales about underdogs triumphing and boys from the wrong side of the tracks making good because of the saving grace of sport. The football grand finals are one thing, but should we be concerned about how the high stakes attitudes of the AFL and NRL translate on the school sports field?
Parents invest significant money and time in providing opportunities for our kids to learn all the values and important life lessons that sport can impart. So deep is the idea that sport is inherently good, some private schools make weekend sport compulsory. So it struck me as odd when my daughter started school and the principal penned a letter informing parents that physical violence or threats towards coaches, other parents and even the kids was unacceptable. What sort of wholesome, life-affirming “great Australian sporting values” were being modelled at our children’s sporting events if warnings like this are necessary? I’ve since heard enough horror stories of school sport to regard it as a nasty cesspit. I know of parents abusing other people’s kids for missing a goal, parents intimidating coaches for letting weaker players have a turn on the court, and parents abusing umpires for not tolerating their kid’s violent behaviour. And it’s not just team sports where parents model the worst sporting values. I’ve seen children reduced to tears by screaming and disappointed parents for losing an under-10s tennis match. My friends’ 14-year-old daughter was called a “pussy” by her coach for not winning a match. Who knew that using a derogatory term for women and their genitalia would build motivation and self-esteem in teenage girls? One of my husband’s enduring memories of childhood sport was being asked “Do you hate ’em?” by the coach before the football final. In the coach’s eyes, motivating his team would take nothing less than instilling in his players a loathing for the other side. At the time, my husband was in Grade 3 and the grand final ended at three-quarter time because of the abusive behaviour of parents. Former AFL star Glenn Archer recently punched a runner at his son’s under-15 football game. You’ll be pleased to know that Archer has taken “full responsibility” for his actions and will be staying on as a North Melbourne board director. We can only assume he took “full responsibility” for his previous two assault charges as well. Of course, not everyone involved in kids’ sport suffers from poor impulse control. One children’s football coach reported that one of the most frustrating parts of the job is dealing with controlling parents who seem to think that school sports is about them and what benefits their kids individually, rather than the team. “I’ve heard parents say often over the years, ‘It’s all about you today – don’t worry about what [the coach] said – just grab the ball, run and take five bounces’,” the football coach said. The benefits of exercise to kids’ physical and emotional wellbeing are well documented. But according to children’s mental health expert Georgina Manning, there’s a big difference between kids kicking a ball around a park and them being subjected to highly structured, high-stress and high-stakes organised sport. “If parents have too much invested then the result is much more important, and teaches kids to not just have fun and enjoy the process, it becomes a ‘Win at all costs’ mentality,” says Manning who is a registered counsellor and psychotherapist and director of Wellbeing for Kids. Manning says another potential downside of organised sport can be the time it takes away from kids having free time to just play and have fun. “I was counselling a boy who was having regular anxiety and it came to light that soccer was the cause of his ‘stress’. Once he showed talent, his parents started pushing him to be the best at soccer and put him into training five nights a week and on Saturday. “He was exhausted and didn’t enjoy the game anymore – he just wanted to play and have fun again. He literally had no time left for down time, playing, socialising, reflecting, discovering other interests and just being an 11-year-old boy – it was no surprise he suffered so much anxiety and wasn’t enjoying life.” It’s frequently said that sport is character-building. And it can be. But that’s not necessarily a good thing. You don’t have to spend too much time around kids’ sport to see that it can create characters who are incapable of losing gracefully, who want to win at all costs, who reject the weakest teammates instead of supporting them, and resolve conflicts with verbal abuse and a quick right hook. |
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