​Regular Mindfulness practice improves our ability to understand and use emotions effectively.  The more we are aware of our emotional state, the more we have the choice to manage these states.  We begin over time to notice the subtleties and nuances of emotions and feeling states. The more we practice being Mindful of our inner landscape, the more we can recognise feelings as they arise.  We can then bring a healthy balance to it, not allowing the emotions to overwhelm us, dismissing it or being afraid of it.    

According to Peerayuth Charoensukmongkol (2015), Mindfulness helps manifest emotional intelligence in three major ways:

• It improves your ability to comprehend your own emotions. 
• It helps you learn how to recognize the emotions of other people around you. 
• It strengthens your ability to govern and control your emotions. It can be difficult however to manage our strong emotions. 

This takes practice, awareness and a dedication to personal development which continues all through our lives.  How do you manage your own strong emotions?  Do you embrace them (which can be hard !) or do you dismiss them, distract yourself or diminish the feeling? Think about for a moment what gets in the way of just being with your strong emotions.  

Why is it that we find it hard to connect to strong emotions at times?  We can judge and resist the emotions for a range of reasons such as:

• Not feeling safe 
• Feeling overwhelmed
• Feels uncomfortable 
• Feeling guilty for feeling the emotion
• Have a belief that we should not be feeling this way 

One way to turn towards difficult emotions is to notice how it feels in the body.  This is different to analysing why we feel a certain way or playing over the events in our minds of what happened to trigger the emotion. 

Turning towards difficult emotions means just noticing with curiosity and non-judgement.  How am I feeling in my body right now?  What can I notice?  Is it changing or staying the same? Is there just one sensation or a few?  What is the quality of the sensation?

It can be helpful to recognise that the emotion you are feeling is only a temporary state and not your total self.  If you feel completely overwhelmed by an emotion, bring your attention to your breath, to your body and focus on what is happening now with the body.  This helps to be grounded in the experience.  

Riding the waves of emotion

As Jon Kabat-Zinn says ‘You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf’. This is what we are aiming to do – surf the strong emotions.  Imagine standing in front of a rough ocean with large waves coming towards you.  You can stand there and try to stop the waves coming at you and dumping you, or you can turn around and surf the waves in.  The waves may be large and daunting, but we know that we are more likely to have a smoother ride by body surfing them in rather than being dumped.

“Allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling. Let go of the labels. Just feel what you are feeling, all the while cultivating moment-to-moment awareness, riding the waves of "up" and "down," "good" and "bad," weak" and "strong," until you see that they are all inadequate to fully describe your experience. Be with the experience itself. Trust in your deepest strength of all: to be present, to be wakeful.”
Jon Kabat-Zinn 

Self-Validation

Self-validation is being able to accept your own feelings, thoughts, and internal experience.  This does not necessarily mean that all your thoughts or feelings may be justified but we can validate how we feel at that time.  If we judge our feeling state or feel ashamed for feeling emotions, this will only increase the emotional distress and discomfort.  It is vital to validate both thoughts and emotions to be able to manage them. 

Acceptance & Emotions
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Using the attitude of acceptance is also important to note when managing emotions.  As we learnt in the Peaceful Kids Training, using acceptance is extremely helpful in managing a difficult emotional experience.  If we judge the experience and try to feel a different way that what we are, we usually make the emotional experience worse over time.  Accepting that you have the emotion and knowing its ok to feel that emotion can help in managing it.
 
‘When you get emotional (feel emotional, not necessarily yet acting out) or have an overload of pressure, there are few to no neural transmissions to the prefrontal cortex. You lose the ability to think rationally or logically. Emotions cause physiological changes.’
Dr. Daniel Siegal, M.D.
 

What is the Default Mode Network? 

The Default Mode Network is a large network of correlated brain regions which are activated when we are not focused on a particular task where we need focused attention.  We can also refer to this part of the mind as the ‘Monkey Mind’.

It is called the ‘Default’ mode because this is what the mind defaults to when it is not engaged or focused on any specific task. This is when we are up in our heads using our imagination, recalling memories, thinking of the intention of others, and daydreaming as well as thinking about the past, the future, our worries, understanding others, or self-reflection.  These are all the things we do when we are just ‘thinking’ without any specific goal in mind.

Recent research has begun to detect links between over activity in the DFN with mental health disorders such as anxiety and depression.   It is important to note however that the DFN is not always negative! We need our minds to wander to access our creativity and imagination.  We also need it plan activities and contemplate future activities based on our past experiences.  We also want to remember all those important and meaningful memories of our life. The difference here is noticing where our minds are going and be mindful of our thoughts.  We can be ‘mindless’ – thinking about things but not realising we are, or be ‘Mindful’ our thoughts, knowing with awareness what our thoughts are.
 
We also don’t have to always be in the present – firstly this is probably impossible and secondly, we can have a rich creative thinking life, thinking about a whole range of possibilities and ideas.  There may be a misunderstanding around Mindfulness, that thinking about things that are not in the present is not helpful.  This is not true; however it is important to keep in mind that when our minds do wander, research shows that 87% of the time it elicits a negative emotion as our minds love to worry and connect to anything that could be harmful to protect ourselves. 

‘An overactive DMN is highly correlated with negative mood states and certain mental illnesses. The DMN can be simplistically conceptualized as a ruminative network. It directs our awareness to the past and future while largely ignoring the present. And while the DMN can be used responsibly to plan and organize, we must always be wary of its runaway force.’  Matthew Williams 2015, Neuroscience of Mindfulness: Default Mode Network, Meditation, & Mindfulness
 
What is the Task Positive Network?

The Task Positive Network is a large network of correlated brain regions we use when performing attention demanding tasks or successfully focusing our attention on a specific action.  While we are being Mindful or focusing on a task without our minds wandering, we are activating our TPN and therefore reducing activity in the DMN which means our anxious thinking is greatly diminished.  

So, a great way to reduce anxious thinking is to activate our TPN! We can intentionally bring our attention to tasks where we require sustained focus. We can also activate it during Meditation. We may sit down to start a mindfulness practice, noticing our minds wandering having our DMN activated, but as we direct our attention to the now through the senses, we activate our TPN. 

When we practice Mindfulness and keep on bringing ourselves back to the present moment, we can limit the activation of the DFN.  The DFN isn’t necessarily bad and the TPN good, it is a matter of using our DFN in a helpful way and engaging our TPN more so the two live in a healthy balance. When do you find yourself using your TPN? How do you feel during and after?

​Take a few moments reflect on when you notice yourself in the Default Mode or the Positive Task focused mode.  What activities stimulate both the Default mode and the Positive Task network? How do you feel in each mode? Is there something you could do differently to have more experiences of the Positive Task Network?

Mindfulness has been widely known to improve our overall wellbeing, mental health and our physical health.  The benefits of regular Mindfulness practice have been shown to help relieve stress and anxiety, lower blood pressure, improve the immune system, improve sleep, improve digestive issues, lessen emotional reactivity, increase positivity, and increase relaxation.

When we are Mindful, we are more likely to savour the joys in life that are often missed when we are ‘mindless’.  When we are fully engaged in activities, we switch off our mental chatter, the type of mind wandering where we end up getting caught up in endless worry thoughts. When we are Mindful, we become less pre-occupied with the past and future and more focused on the now.  This creates a more relaxed state of mind and body and helps to switch off our stress response.  In this state, we are also able to connect with others in a more meaningful way.

Mindfulness is one of the ways parents can reduce the stress of parenting and create calmer households. The calmer our homes, the better everyone can manage and enjoy day to day living. 

Formal and Informal Mindfulness

Simply Mindfulness means paying attention to the present moment. It means taking a step back and noticing our outer world through our senses and noticing our inner world by being aware of our thoughts and feelings with an attitude of curiosity and non-judgement. It is also the ability to be fully present without being ‘caught up’ in our thoughts and by being present to our immediate environment.

Mindfulness can be experienced in a variety of ways including the formal practice of Mindfulness Meditations or in more informal ways such as being fully present in a day-to-day task. The formal practice of Mindfulness requires making time regularly to deliberately focus on the present moment, often by connecting to body through noticing the breath or senses in the body, Mindful movements or noticing with curiosity our feelings and thoughts.

For children, Mindfulness is an excellent way to provide experiences that enhance their emotional intelligence including self-regulation, impulse control, understanding their emotions, controlling their emotions, and generally become more aware of themselves as a whole person.  One of the easiest ways children can access the informal experience of Mindfulness is through free play (off screens).  Through play, children are often in the present moment only focusing on what is happening now, rather than being anxious about the future or thinking about the past.  This gives children the vital rest and rejuvenation they need each day.
 
Neuroscience of Mindfulness

Practising Mindfulness literally changes the brain over time. Research shows that Mindfulness has enormous benefits for the brain and in particular, two main areas of the brain – the amygdala and pre-fontal cortex.  The amygdala is a primal part of the brain, associated with fear and emotion, and responsible for the first step in a chain of reactions in the body's response to stress. On the other hand, the pre-frontal cortex is the part of the brain that helps with concentration, decision-making and awareness.
By regularly practising Mindfulness, links between the amygdala and pre-frontal cortex are weakened therefore there is less ‘reactivity’ and more control over emotional responses. Over time there is also a decreased activation in Default Mode Network – the wandering ‘Monkey Mind’ so we ruminate less.

Mindfulness is a path not a tool

If we are constantly in a rush, take on too much, multitask often, or get stuck in the ‘achieving’ mode, then we can have our stress response activated often.   If we do not give ourselves times to rest, reflect, and participate in nourishing activities then we are not giving ourselves some necessary time to rejuvenate.

When we are focused on the present moment, this usually switches off our Sympathetic nervous system, the ‘stress response’ and switches on the Parasympathetic nervous system which is our ‘rest and digest’ system.  Both formal and informal Mindfulness practices both reduces our stress levels so embracing both practices are beneficial.  

Mindfulness goes beyond ‘meditation’.  It is a way of living that we are always cultivating and deepening. Mindfulness as a lifelong skill and way of life, we embody throughout our whole lives. This includes regular pauses throughout the day, checking in with yourself and how you are feeling, checking in with your body and body sensations and noticing emotions and feelings. 

When we live Mindfully, we can aim to pause before reacting. Taking those few seconds, taking a pause to check in with our bodies, feelings, and thoughts and choose how to respond in any given situation.

Mindful Parenting

Mindfulness can be brought into play at home, where parents are fully present in each moment while playing and interacting with their child.  This not only nurtures children’s overall wellbeing but can be a great way for parents to practice being informally Mindful.  Mindfulness in the family can strengthen relationships, deepen connections, and increase everyone’s well-being, particularly when we deeply listen to our child.

While playing with children, parents can intentionally put themselves in the ‘Being Mode’ (rather than the ‘Doing Mode’) and connect with their child with Mindful attention. This creates an environment that not only brings more enjoyment but also a time when parents can find out more about their child. 

‘Mindful Play’ an opportunity to fill our children’s ‘cups’ when a parent gives full undivided attention to the child, noticing when our minds wander off to our ‘to do’ list or the next task and bring the attention back to the play in the present. Even 10 minutes a day of Mindful Play with our child makes a difference. 
Some simple Mindfulness techniques to begin Mindfulness at home

Breathing Buddies

• Lie down on the floor
• Place your ‘Breathing Buddy’ (a soft toy, wheat pack or meditation stone) on your tummy.
• When you breathe in observe how your breathing buddy moves up
• When you breathe out observe how your breathing buddy moves down.
• Slowly breathe in counting to 3.
• Breathe our slowly counting to 4 or 5.
• Repeat 3 times- close your eyes over after 1 or 2 rounds if this feel comfortable.
• Finish with noticing how your body feels, noticing body sensations.

 
Finger Breathing

• Hold out your hand and spread your fingers.
• Using the pointer finger of your other hand trace along each finger, starting from the base of the thumb.

• As you rise up each finger take a breath in and then as you go down the other side of the finger breath out.

• Pause between each in and out breath.
• Breathe in through your nose and then out through your mouth. (Children can also explore just breathing in and out through the nose if this is more comfortable)

• Do this for each hand. 

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It's common for children to feel anxious from time to time.  Anxiety is our mind and body's response to real or perceived threat.  It is normal for children to have worries from time to time or when they are faced with social challenges, changes and new and unfamilar events.  Below are range of strategies we can use as parents to support our children. 

Reassure that feeling anxious is normal

• Let your child know that it is normal to have fears and worries from time to time and that you also get worried at times.
• Remind your child that feeling anxious is not dangerous – it is just a feeling that people have and a normal response.
• Explain and role model that you can relax and calm yourself down when anxious through using calming strategies, talking to someone, or finding something fun/interesting to do. 

 
 
Give emotional support through reflective listening

• Children need at least one person in their life that truly understands how they are feeling.  Giving emotional support starts with effective listening where we truly hear and understand how a situation is, how they are feeling and how it is impacting on them.  Often, we are quick to step in and offer solutions to help comfort but what they really need is to know that you understand.  Research shows that even just helping children to label an emotion is enough to lessen the stress response and decrease anxiety. 
• So how do you do reflective listening?  When your child talks to you about something, truly listen to what they are saying without jumping in with advice, questions, comments, solutions and judgements and emotional reactions.  Keep your own perception around the issue separate and just hear what they are saying and listen out for the emotion they are expressing. 
• Keeping your own emotions in check is also important, as this is about the child and their feelings.  Reflect back what they have said but summarising the content and the emotion e.g. ‘so you had a really tough day today and you felt really hurt by your friends.’  Children will soon let you know if this summary is in the ballpark of how they are feeling and what happened. 
• Don’t worry about getting it all right, it’s the intent that counts.  Children know when parents are really listening and trying to understand their situation. 
• Once you reflect back how they felt and what happened, then they will most likely share more of what they feel and what happened. This can be a real challenge for parents, as it’s so easy to fall into the trap of problem solving for children to ease their pain however to ease emotional suffering, children need to first express their feelings in the arms of someone who cares.  Once all feelings are expressed, then it’s time to help children solve the problem (if there is something to be solved of course) and this can be done by encourage them to develop effective problem-solving skills to build their resilience. 
• Remember at times children may not need things to be solved, they just need to talk about what happened or how they feel.

 
 
Encourage your child to share feelings and worries

• Chat regularly one on one– this can be about anything including their worries.
• If you can notice that your child is really worried but they don’t know how they are feeling, you can help them to share what they are feeling by saying something like “I noticed you seem really worried at the moment’.  This opens up lines of communication.
• You can also ask what is worrying them the most if they are appearing anxious.
• The use of feeling cards is powerful.  Lay out the cards and share how you have both been feeling, choosing a card that matches the feeling.  Choosing cards helps to open up discussions and is less threatening than just being asked how they feel.
• Once your child shares how they are feeling, use the ‘reflecting listening’ technique explained above, where you basically just reflect back to your child what they have said in a summary form capturing content and emotion.

Help to problem solve using coaching questions

• Once you have listened using reflective listening, you can help them to problem solve for the next step.  This helps children to learn a lifelong skill and an effective coping strategy for anxiety or worrying.
• Ask them ‘what could you do?’ ‘How do you think you could..?’ ‘I wonder what would happen if you?’
• Help your child to make a plan of what they could do to solve a problem.
• If there is nothing they can specifically do to solve a problem (such as just generally worrying) then using a coping strategy such as finding something fun to do or calming exercise. 
• Give lots of positive praise for trying to solve a problem and give them a chance to try out solutions on their own. If we step in and solve a problem for them by taking over and doing things for them, we are robbing them of the essential practice needed to develop their emotional resilience.  Every time they solve a problem on their own (with guidance from you if needed), their confidence and self-mastery builds.   This helps to immunise them against anxiety in the future as they form a belief that they can handle tricky situations on their own.

Help your child to recognise anxious thoughts

• Teach kids that they have thoughts all the time and some are helpful, and some are not.  Just because we have a thought about something (or worried about something) it does not mean that it will come true or that there is truth in the thought.
• Remind them that everyone has ‘self-talk’ and that we all have ways of thinking that at times isn’t helpful.  These are ‘just thoughts’.  We don’t need to try to change our thoughts or stop thinking about something (as this often makes it worse and it’s really hard to do), just become aware of what our mind is thinking, so we can then choose to think in more helpful ways. 
• Depending on your child’s age, it can be helpful to teach children to notice thoughts that are unhelpful. As a parent you can help your child to reframe how they perceive a situation by helping them to see that they may have unhelpful thoughts that don’t make them feel good.  It is important to help them to discuss more helpful ways of looking at a situation, once they have received emotional support first so they feel heard and understood. 

Encourage healthy risk taking

• Risk tasking in day-to-day life is essential for building resilience and lessening anxiety.  It teaches children that even though they may be worried about doing something new or difficult, they can still have a go and things will be ok.  This then builds confidence and makes the world an exciting place instead of a scary one. 
• If we don’t encourage risk taking, we give a clear message that the world is scary and that they won’t be able to cope if something new if thrown their way.
• Getting used to making mistakes is an essential part of risk taking.  Without making mistakes we are not trying anything new or stretching ourselves to see what we are capable of.
• Role modelling risk taking is important also.  Share how you make mistakes all the time and that this is a part of learning something new and part of just being human.

 

Encourage children to face fears in small steps

• Children naturally will want to avoid what they are worried about which is a normal reaction when our ‘flight and fight’ system is activated as it helps to keep us safe.  However as anxious thoughts are usually not realistic or helpful thoughts, the flight or fight system can be activated when it doesn’t need to be which means our job as parents is to help children to face fears in small steps and not encourage avoidant behaviour.
• If we help our child to avoid a situation they are worried about, then we reinforce the anxious behaviour and reactions by teaching children that what they are worried about is actually real.
• It is so important that children still face their fears even though they may be worried about something.  E.g. if they are worried about going to school because something bad happened the day before, it is essential that they still go to school with lots of emotional support and encouragement.  Keeping kids at home or avoid situations they are worried about only reinforces that their fear is real and something they need to stay scared of.
• Let them know you understand how they are feeling and set aside a time to make a plan to face fears in small steps rather than avoiding it completely.  Set goals and praise brave behaviours once they have a go at facing their fear bit by bit. 

 

Encourage independence

• Independence and confidence go hand in hand.  It is almost impossible for children to feel confident in their lives if they are not able to manage their daily tasks.  Daily tasks that build confidence can be as simple as getting dressed on their own, helping to cook a meal, getting things ready for the next day or walking into the classroom on their own.  Every time a child is given a chance to be independent, they are given a beautiful gift of being trusted by their parent.  This gives a clear message that they have the skills to be able to manage their own lives.  This in turn helps lessens their anxiety as they are given the trust and the opportunity to use their own capabilities. Children can often surprise us with their ability to be masters of their own lives. 

 
Teach relaxation and calming strategies

• Learning how to relax and calm yourself down is so important for children with anxiety.  As a parent you can role model and directly teach children how to calm themselves down when they feel anxious by using the following techniques:
• Breathing technique:  Take in a deep breath through your nose and then imagine you are blowing out a candle or blowing big bubbles that float away.  Breathe out through your mouth.  Continue to do this for a few minutes, deliberately slowing down the breaths each time.
• Mindfulness muscle relaxation - ‘Tense and Relax’ technique.  Closing your eyes, tense and then relax each part of your body starting with your toes.  E.g. tense up all the muscles in your toes by ‘scrunching’ them up as tight as you can.  Then relax the toes by letting them ‘flop’.  Then move up to your feet, ankles, lower legs etc and continue up to your face and head.  Take time to tense and then relax each area.
• Finding something fun or relaxing to do.  Encourage your child to do an activity that is naturally relaxing for them.  This will be an activity that puts them in the ‘flow’.  Flow activities are activities where you lose track of time and are fully engaged.  Flow activities are usually things we are good at or are drawn towards.  Each child will be different with their flow activities, and it is easy to pick what they are – just watch your child and take note of when they are fully engaged in an activity.

 
 
Teach your child about the Bran & Body connection

• Help them to identify where anxiety feels in their own body such as a jumpy tummy, feeling sick, heart racing, feeling dizzy etc.  Share how anxiety feels in your body as well (to help normalise anxious feelings).  Explain that this is the body’s way of letting them know there is danger so they can keep themselves safe.  
• You can explain the body’s reaction like a smoke alarm going off in the house when there is fire.   When we get worried an alarm system like a ‘smoke alarm’ goes off in our brain.  Our bodies respond by having a racing heart, feeling a bit sick, dizzy, muscles tense up etc. This is really normal and helps to protect us. 
• If children are old enough, you can explain in these more scientific details: the smoke alarm is the part of the brain called the amygdala.  When this is activated, this fires off the adrenal glands which then fires off the body’s response to prepare for danger – this is why we get the body reactions. 
• It is important to explain that sometimes the smoke alarm goes off when it doesn’t need to.  This is when we worry about something that is not dangerous to us (even though it feels like it is).   Our bodies are still reacting to this danger even though it is not real.  We can however calm down our bodies and stop the smoke alarm by calming ourselves down with a range of helpful strategies such as practicing Mindfulness exercises.
• Our pre-frontal cortex which is what we call our ‘noticing’ or ‘thinking’ brain can switch off the smoke alarm (amygdala).  Noticing in a particular way helps us to turn off our smoke alarm.  That’s why we bring in our awareness to what is happening, rather than trying to fight what is happening or run away from it.  Our awareness alone turns off the smoke alarm.  If we try to problem solve by running away or fighting the response, then this will just generate thoughts and feelings which makes us dwell on things and reflect on things.  This just reinforces and strengthens the response.  Just by noticing our body’s reaction, helps this whole process to switch off without ‘trying’ to switch things off.
• Link this body recognition with using calming strategies so children can see the link between anxious thoughts and physical symptoms and that they have control to calm their body and their mind when anxious. 
• After using calming strategies or exercise, discuss how they feel in their body and see if they notice a difference before and after using the strategies.  This helps them to see the value in using the calming techniques and empowers them to have control of their mind and body when anxious.  It teaches them that anxiety can lessen by managing it themselves.
• We can also help our children become more comfortable with feeling all emotions.  It doesn’t mean we have to like feeling a certain way, but the more we can tune into how we are feeling in our body, then the less likely we are to be afraid of how we are feeling.  We would never push a child to explain how they are feeling or push them to connect to a feeling if that doesn’t feel right, but we can encourage our children to notice how emotions feel in our body and that it is ok to feel range of emotions. 

 

Practice Mindfulness Exercises every day

• Learn how to use Mindfulness meditation exercises and practice them each day.   Research shows that mindfulness meditation actually changes the structure of the brain and is one of the most powerful ways to lessen anxiety.   Even just 5 – 10 minutes each day will make an enormous difference.

 
 
Mindful Belly Breathing technique

• Teach children a simple exercise that will help them to calm down immediately.  Explain the process:
  • Focus just on your belly while your breathe (just focusing on this area is also calming in itself)
  • When you breathe in, your belly should rise up and when you breathe out your belly should fall.
  • Slow the breathing down so you can count in 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 breathing in through your nose and then out slowly through your mouth and notice the belly rise and fall each time. 
  • Repeat 3 times.

 

Chill out time each day

• As well as learning how to relax when there is anxiety present, it is important to also keep anxiety and stress levels low by factoring in time each day to just chill out.   As children are often overscheduled and overstimulated through technology, it is vital that there is time to just ‘be’ each day.  This can be by playing with a favourite toy, building something, creating artwork, playing with animals, playing a board game, drawing, making cubbies in the garden – the list is endless.
• Point your child in the direction of an activity that makes them feel good when they are also feeling anxious.  An activity that is unstructured and free helps children to engage the creative part of their brain which in turn lessens anxiety. If children are used to spending chill out time each day, then it will be familiar to them if they need to calm down when anxious.  If they spend a lot of time on technology and little time with creative play, it will be harder to direct them to creative activities when they are feeling stressed.
• It is important to note that chill out time is not time on technology.  Although this may appear to be an activity that is relaxing, it is not effective for lessening anxiety or to wind down the brain after a full day of learning at school or after stressful events.  Technology at night can also keep children wired up for hours which can affect sleeping patterns.

Regular fun exercise

• There is nothing better than exercise to beat anxiety.  Using your physical body allows the stress build up to be released and in turn our mental state is altered significantly.  Even just a gentle walk for 30 minutes with your child will help to reduce their anxiety significantly.  Walking and talking is a great way to connect, share feelings, problem solve and role model a fantastic coping strategy when things get tough.

 
Use humour

• If appropriate use humour to ‘break’ the anxiety by trying to laugh at what has happened or about a worry.  Humour and laughter is a great antidote to stress and anxiety.
• It also vital to keep humour alive on a day to day basis at home as this teaches children to have a more easy going attitude towards life.

 

Set healthy boundaries

• Having healthy boundaries and setting consequences actually lessens anxiety.  Not putting into place consequences because a child is anxious actually creates more anxiety.  Although this may seem counter-intuitive, children actually need boundaries to feel safe and calm.  Knowing what is expected in the home and having healthy limits set at home lets children know that you are in charge, strong and able to take care of the family.
• Allowing children to have too much control or too many choices give them a message that you are not in charge of the family which is very anxiety provoking for them.   Although they may complain and still try to get what they want (very normal behaviour!) they actually need parents to be in control of adult decisions and to set healthy limits.
• Hearing yourself say ‘NO’ regularly means we are on the right track with our kids.  They may not like hearing this word, but it is our job to be in charge but also considering our children’s needs.  Children will always push the boundaries and that is their job.  Our job as parents is to set the boundaries and be consistent with them. 

 
Role model calm behaviour

• Role modelling calm and relaxed behaviour is important because children watch how you deal with life on a day-to-day basis.  If you get anxious easily then your child will learn how to react to minor upsets in life.
• If your child is anxious, it is also important not to get worried about their anxious behaviour as this will also be ‘catchy’.  Children look to parents to role model an easy-going approach to life.

Give just as much attention to positive behaviours

• Although children need lots of emotional support when anxious such as using the reflective listening technique and helping them to use calming strategies, it is also important to give more of your attention to the times when they are having a go at something new, using a positive attitude, sharing that they are anxious but still having a go at what they are afraid of, having a go at using calming strategies, taking time out to relax, reacting calmly and so on.
• If we give more of our attention to the behaviours that are positive, then these behaviours will continue.  If we only give our one on one attention to children when they are anxious, they will surely continue with anxious behaviour as they are getting a payoff for it.  Although this is not at all deliberate by children, they just quickly learn that they get emotional closeness with an adult only when they are feeling anxious.
• Give lots of praise when children are trying to face their fears and when they are taking healthy risks.  Give lots of praise when they have soldered on in spite of being worried about something and have been brave.  Let them know how you understand how difficult it was for them, but they still did it.

Nourish yourself

• Having time out regularly as a parent is important as you will then be able to manage the job of parenting in a calmer and happier way.  Having time out gives time for putting things into perspective and to reflect on how we are reacting to anxious children.
• Keep stress levels low around the home.  If the home environment is calm, then children have a better chance of being able to chill out and be in the flow at home.   The home is where children learn how to manage their day to day lives and if it is filled with stress and upheaval they will most likely be anxious.

Grounding Techniques

Grounding techniques are simple yet powerful ways to help us to manage strong feelings in the immediate term. Grounding techniques allow us to connect to the present moment and takes us away from the stories in our mind that often fuel anxiety.   

Grounding techniques are useful for settling ourselves when we’re feeling overwhelmed or have strong emotions. When we practice grounding techniques, we can connect to the present through our body and senses, which can keep ourselves calm.  These techniques help children and teens when they are hyperaroused or hypoaroused and outside of their ‘Window of Tolerance’.

If children or teens find themselves feeling stuck with strong feelings, they can use grounding techniques that are simple but powerful and only take a few minutes. These all help to feel anchored in the present and restore balance in body and mind.  

5-4-3-2-1 Technique

• Guide teens through the 5,4,3,2,1 technique.  In this technique, they are intentionally taking in their surroundings using their senses.
• Notice 5 Things you can see (inside room and outside room), 4 things you can feel (teens touch them), 3 things you can hear (guide them to sounds inside the room and outside the room), 2 things they can smell (have some herbs or oils or similar ready) 1 thing they can taste (have a mint or piece of chocolate ready). 

 
Deep Breaths

• Take 3 deep Mindful Belly Breaths, extending out the exhale. 
• The exhale switches on the parasympathetic nervous system which is immediately calming.

 
Body Awareness

• Sit or lie down comfortably. Take a few deep breaths.
• Place both feet on the floor.  If you are lying down, bend the knees so the feet can press into the floor. Notice how your feet feel and any sensations you can notice.
• Move your feet up and down for a moment.  Notice any more sensations.
• Press your palms together, then release. Repeat and notice sensations.
• Rub hands together, then pause and notice sensations.
• Take a few more deep breaths and notice any body sensations.

 
Read Affirmations

• Read out loud a favourite affirmation.  This is best practised and chosen when in a calm state, so it feels like second nature.
• Have these stuck up somewhere to look at and read when needed.

Soothe

• Take a nice long shower or bath. 
• Use essential oils or bath bombs to engage the senses.

 
Connect to nature

• Sit somewhere in nature where you can soak up the environment.
• Research shows just looking at pictures of nature relaxes the mind.
• Close your eyes and feel the sun on your face and listen to sounds.

 
Call someone

• Call a friend or someone who cares about and share how you are feeling.
• ‘Naming’ how we feel helps to ‘tame’ how we feel.
• Share what is worrying you or upsetting you.

 
Move your body

• Do any type of exercise where you are moving your body.
• Using your body and focusing on your body is calming to the nervous system and helps to switch off the stress system.