Self-Validation & Self-Compassion

Self-validation means being able to accept your own feelings, thoughts, and your experiences, without bringing judgement to the experience or our feelings. One way to describe Self-Compassion is confronting your own suffering with an attitude of warmth, kindness, and non-judgement.

Why is this so important?  We are often told subtly or not so subtly that we should not feel what we feel, or express how we feel, as though the difficult and strong emotions are not ok.  This experience then brings invalidation to our feelings, our thoughts and experiences and can create self-doubt and shame. 

Self-validation does not necessarily mean that all your thoughts or feelings may be justified but we can validate how we feel at that time.  We can acknowledge that it is ok to feel the way you are feeling, instead of judging yourself for it.  If we judge our feeling state or feel ashamed for feeling emotions, this will only increase the emotional distress and discomfort.  It is vital to validate both thoughts and emotions to not only to manage them but also to bring acceptance to ourselves.

This is where self-compassion comes in.  Self-compassion is vital for our wellbeing and day to day experiences of life.  Self-compassion is about being kind to ourselves and being aware of our ‘inner critic’.

‘Self-compassion is simply the process of turning compassion inward.  We are kind and understanding rather than harshly self-critical when we fail, make mistakes or feel inadequate.  We give ourselves support and encouragement rather than being cold and judgmental when challenges and difficulty arise in our lives.’ Dr. Kristin Neff.

Dr. Kristen Neff through her research has discovered that there are 3 components of Self-Compassion. ‘Self-kindness vs Self-judgment’ which entails being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate.  Secondly, ‘Common humanity vs Isolation’ which involves recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience and thirdly ‘Mindfulness vs Over-identification’ which requires taking a balanced approach to our negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. 

Ways to practice Self-Compassion and Self-Validation
Treat yourself just like you would a good friend.  Think about what you would say to a friend who made a mistake, has self-doubt or is going through a difficult time.  How would you care for them and what would you say to them?  This is just what you can do for yourself. When we have self-compassion, we encourage ourselves like we would a friend if they needed support.  

Develop mindful awareness of your unhelpful and critical self-talk, without judgement.  The ‘without judgement’ is the important part.  Just notice the critical thinking and view it like you would a curious scientist, just observing what is going on in the mind.  We can re-direct our attention back to more helpful thinking or present moment experiences. 

Words are powerful, and the kind words we say to ourselves, about ourselves make a real difference to how we feel.  Create positive affirmations that are authentic to you and display these as a visual somewhere, so you are reminded of these during the times of strong emotions and experiences.  Create statements that feel empowering and authentic to you.  Some examples of positive self-talk could be ‘I’ve done my best, it’s ok to make mistakes, I am proud of what I have done so far, I am a worth person, it is ok to feel this way.’

Validate yourself and your experiences, keeping in mind that we all have imperfections.  This includes embracing your full humanness.  Being mindfully aware of our thoughts, we can recognise when we are being influenced by what other people think of us and searching for external validation. Although it’s normal to want external validation to a point, it can become unhealthy if it is impacting our sense of worth.  Self-validation means we can look for internal validation, acknowledging our internal experiences to life, our feelings and allowing ourselves to be our authentic selves.  Instead of focusing on perfection and externally validated goals, focus on your progress along the way and what is important to you. 

Embracing self-care practices.  Self-care means taking care of mental, emotional & physical health.  It is activities that we do deliberately to take care of ourselves and an attitude that we embody.  Everyone’s self-care practices are different ranging from time out, exercising or spending time with a friend.

Self-care includes not just activities we can do to look after ourselves, but it is also knowing our boundaries and limits.  This could mean limiting the amount of work we do at home and having a clear boundary between work and our personal lives.  It could mean saying no to taking on extra responsibility that we don’t have the resources or energy to give. Self-care can also mean taking the time to reflect on what is important and connecting to our values.