It is helpful to understand what mindfulness is and what it is not.  You will see and hear a lot about mindfulness and often it is watered down to relate to a myriad of situations and experiences that do not give it justice or encapsulate the full richness of it. These misconceptions can be barriers to practicing mindfulness and living a mindful life.
 
Blank Minds
Often, we hear the misconception that we need to have a completely blank mind to experience mindfulness by getting rid of thoughts.  This could not be further from the truth.  We just bring gentle awareness to our thoughts as they come in and out of our mind and redirect our attention to where we would like to be in the present moment such as the breath, our body, sounds.  We become aware of our thoughts, and we can choose which thoughts we can engage with.  As Jon Kabat Zinn explains ‘Like the ocean, the mind is subject to constantly changing “atmospheric conditions” including storms of varying intensities.’   We can just bring awareness to these changing mind states and associated thoughts.  It is not about clearing the mind so there is nothing there and we don’t feel anything but feeling calm.  Mindfulness really could be interchanged with the term ‘awareness’.  As we are just bringing awareness to what is, including our thoughts, and then we can choose to direct our attention away from our thoughts if we choose, and bring our attention to the present moment focus. 
 
Always feeling peaceful and relaxed
If we are mindful then somehow, we shouldn’t feel strong emotions and only feel peace.  Mindfulness is not just about feeling good.  We can tune into our strong and uncomfortable emotions as well and have present moment awareness of these without stepping into reactions.  We are not aiming to feel relaxed, calm or peaceful.  Just by being mindful, then we can feel this state as a side effect.  We are also accessing that calm and peaceful part of ourselves that is there, underneath the ‘monkey mind’ of thoughts and feelings.  Trying to push away uncomfortable feelings, just makes them stronger and pushes us further away from what we are feeling right now.  As Jon Kabat Zinn expresses, we ‘put out the welcome mat’ for all emotions.  We can be mindful when we are full of anger or anxiety, and we can be mindfully engaged in the here and now even though we don’t feel relaxed.  We allow the natural flow of emotions, feeling the full range of emotions we have such as pain, joy, anxiety, joy, contentment and allow this flow through us.  We don’t need to be feeling happy all the time and try to strive for this through out practice.
 
Successful / Unsuccessful meditation
Judging the meditation experience takes us away from just experience what is during the meditation.  If our minds wander a lot, then they have wandered a lot, and we can bring attention and awareness to this.  There is no need to judge the experience as bad, or to judge ourselves as meditators as a good or bad meditator.  If we can have no thoughts, then we can judge the meditation and ourselves as good and successful and the days we have more thoughts, then we have not managed to meditate.
 
Mindfulness is just about meditation
Practicing mindfulness is not just about sitting on a meditation mat.  We can live mindfully and bring awareness to our day to day lives including our rich inner emotional lives.  Mindfulness is also a way of being, bringing in the attitudes of mindfulness.  There are so many ways to bring mindfulness into our lives, which are not meditation practice.
 
You must sit in a certain way to practice
You do not have to sit in a lotus position to practice mindfulness.  You may choose to lie down, sit on a couch, sit in a bean bag, lie in the bath, walk, lie down on the loungeroom floor with your feet up on a chair (my favourite).  We have a huge number of images that tell us how to meditate to do it ‘right’.  We often see people sitting cross legged (and that’s fine if that feels comfortable for you!) on a mat on the floor with their eyes closed.  We need to find what is right for us, what feels comfortable and enjoyable and allows us to access mindfulness that suits you.  You have not failed if you do not sit on a mat and get up at 5.30am each morning and sit for an hour.
 
You need a quiet place to practice
Although it would be beautiful to practice mindfulness each day in a serene environment such as the beach or bush, hearing the waves and the birds in the background, we are usually not that fortunate to have that as a daily experience.  This can be powerful to experience as we can find it a bit easier to tune into our body sensations and all our senses in a calmer environment, however we also want to learn how to be mindful in all environments.  practising mindfulness in a busier environment is helpful as our day to day lives are usually not living in a secluded bubble away from other people and situations who can often trigger us.  We can practice mindfulness anywhere such as bringing full mindful awareness while we are in the car.  We are ot trying to knock ourselves out into another state of being, we are tuning into the now, including how we are feeling. 
 
Mindfulness is religious
Mindfulness practice is secular and can be practised by anyone regardless of their cultural or spiritual beliefs.  The cultivation of mindfulness can be found can be found in many contemplative traditions including Buddhism many other religions.  Often Mindfulness is associated with Mindfulness, however Mindfulness has taken key component from this 2550-year-old tradition, but it is not linked to any specific beliefs, codes or lifestyles. Mindfulness practices in many religions but in and of it itself it is not a religious practice; it is a form of mental training that is entirely secular and does not require commitment to any spiritual tradition.

Self-validation means being able to accept your own feelings, thoughts, and your experiences, without bringing judgement to the experience or our feelings. One way to describe Self-Compassion is confronting your own suffering with an attitude of warmth, kindness, and non-judgement.

Why is this so important?  We are often told subtly or not so subtly that we should not feel what we feel, or express how we feel, as though the difficult and strong emotions are not ok.  This experience then brings invalidation to our feelings, our thoughts and experiences and can create self-doubt and shame. 

Self-validation does not necessarily mean that all your thoughts or feelings may be justified but we can validate how we feel at that time.  We can acknowledge that it is ok to feel the way you are feeling, instead of judging yourself for it.  If we judge our feeling state or feel ashamed for feeling emotions, this will only increase the emotional distress and discomfort.  It is vital to validate both thoughts and emotions to not only to manage them but also to bring acceptance to ourselves.

This is where self-compassion comes in.  Self-compassion is vital for our wellbeing and day to day experiences of life.  Self-compassion is about being kind to ourselves and being aware of our ‘inner critic’.

‘Self-compassion is simply the process of turning compassion inward.  We are kind and understanding rather than harshly self-critical when we fail, make mistakes or feel inadequate.  We give ourselves support and encouragement rather than being cold and judgmental when challenges and difficulty arise in our lives.’ Dr. Kristin Neff.

Dr. Kristen Neff through her research has discovered that there are 3 components of Self-Compassion. ‘Self-kindness vs Self-judgment’ which entails being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate.  Secondly, ‘Common humanity vs Isolation’ which involves recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience and thirdly ‘Mindfulness vs Over-identification’ which requires taking a balanced approach to our negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. 

Ways to practice Self-Compassion and Self-Validation
Treat yourself just like you would a good friend.  Think about what you would say to a friend who made a mistake, has self-doubt or is going through a difficult time.  How would you care for them and what would you say to them?  This is just what you can do for yourself. When we have self-compassion, we encourage ourselves like we would a friend if they needed support.  

Develop mindful awareness of your unhelpful and critical self-talk, without judgement.  The ‘without judgement’ is the important part.  Just notice the critical thinking and view it like you would a curious scientist, just observing what is going on in the mind.  We can re-direct our attention back to more helpful thinking or present moment experiences. 

Words are powerful, and the kind words we say to ourselves, about ourselves make a real difference to how we feel.  Create positive affirmations that are authentic to you and display these as a visual somewhere, so you are reminded of these during the times of strong emotions and experiences.  Create statements that feel empowering and authentic to you.  Some examples of positive self-talk could be ‘I’ve done my best, it’s ok to make mistakes, I am proud of what I have done so far, I am a worth person, it is ok to feel this way.’

Validate yourself and your experiences, keeping in mind that we all have imperfections.  This includes embracing your full humanness.  Being mindfully aware of our thoughts, we can recognise when we are being influenced by what other people think of us and searching for external validation. Although it’s normal to want external validation to a point, it can become unhealthy if it is impacting our sense of worth.  Self-validation means we can look for internal validation, acknowledging our internal experiences to life, our feelings and allowing ourselves to be our authentic selves.  Instead of focusing on perfection and externally validated goals, focus on your progress along the way and what is important to you. 

Embracing self-care practices.  Self-care means taking care of mental, emotional & physical health.  It is activities that we do deliberately to take care of ourselves and an attitude that we embody.  Everyone’s self-care practices are different ranging from time out, exercising or spending time with a friend.

Self-care includes not just activities we can do to look after ourselves, but it is also knowing our boundaries and limits.  This could mean limiting the amount of work we do at home and having a clear boundary between work and our personal lives.  It could mean saying no to taking on extra responsibility that we don’t have the resources or energy to give. Self-care can also mean taking the time to reflect on what is important and connecting to our values.  

The Autonomic Nervous System is our body’s automatic control mechanism for a wide variety of bodily functions.  It regulates our heart rate, digestion, respiratory rate (when we are not trying to change it), pupillary dilation, urination, and sexual arousal.  This is also the system that activates and deactivates – our fight, flight, freeze or shut down response. All these bodily functions operate almost entirely unconsciously.

Our Automatic Nervous System can be divided into two areas – the sympathetic and the parasympathetic.  The sympathetic nervous system known as the ‘Stress System’ initiates the flight and fight response, increases alertness, energy, blood pressure, heart rate and our breathing rate. 

The Parasympathetic nervous system which can also be called the ‘Rest and Digest’ system, decreases our alertness, blood pressure and our heart rate.  This system also helps our body to digest food, calm us down and relax the body. Some people may describe the sympathetic system as the accelerator of the body and the parasympathetic as the brake.  

What does this have to do with Mindfulness and Meditation?

Research shows that meditation soothes the nerves in our body.  The sympathetic nervous system is greatly affected by meditation as it reduces the effects of anxiety, tension, fatigue, and stress.  The Parasympathetic nervous system is activated when we practice Mindfulness as it slows down our heart rate, breathing rate and blood pressure.  

We can spend our whole day in sympathetic arousal, feeling like we have no capacity to switch this off, being stuck in this spiralling stress cycle.  If this is our day-to-day way of operating, we will end up with an overactivation of the SNS which can lead to a general and prolonged state of SNS dominance.

Mindfulness activates the Parasympathetic nervous system in many ways.  Firstly, when we are focused just on the present and usually just on one thing, it helps to limit activity in the brain’s neural network, the Default Mode Network in the brain, where our brains wander and tend to think of worries, past and future. The brain loves to think of and ‘go to’ to any problems or worries we have because of our ‘negativity bias’.  

Secondly when we focus on our senses, the body and often the breath, this usually slows down our breathing.  When we slow down our breathing, we give messages to the brain that it is safe to relax which in turn turns off the sympathetic flight or fight system. 

The more we practice being Mindful, the more we train the brain and body to switch off the Sympathetic nervous system and to switch into the Parasympathetic Nervous System.  This is immensely powerful and has a huge impact on the quality of our lives. 

According to the world-famous author of Minding the Body, Mending the Mind, Dr. Borysenko, meditation teaches us just how important it is to regularly activate the body’s natural "relaxation response" – training our minds through meditation so that stress responses simply can’t take over, perpetually maintaining our mental/emotional health and general well-being.
 
Deep breathing and the Parasympathetic nervous system
 
Although nearly all of the PNS system is unconscious and operates automatically, we can change the activation of the SNS to the PNS simply with our breath.  This is one important function we do have control over!

All we need is 3 deep breaths - three deep ‘in’ breaths and three deep ‘out’ breaths. 

The inhale breath stimulates our sympathetic nervous system which increases our heart rate.  The out breath stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system, decreasing our heart rate.  So, what we are aiming for is to have more of the parasympathetic system working than the sympathetic which is why we try to extend the exhale.  This affects what is called the Heart Rate Variability.